Creepy Trump detests good old Canada although crazily keen on making it the 51st State of the “Land of the Free” which makes for one scary Canadian horror movie plot.
Alanis Morissette in a red Team Canada hockey jersey, sipping a black Venti Americano in the North Hollywood Starbucks while looking up “Ironic” in the store’s gold Grate Trump Dicktionary during the final acoustic guitar bars of Bob and Doug McKenzie’s “Take Off”, The Guess Who’s “American Woman”, or Neil Young’s “American Dream”. Alanis reads aloud as Geddy Lee (Gary Weinrib) in John Candy’s Toronto Argonaut blue jersey and Bob (Rick Moranis) and Doug McKenzie (Dave Thomas) in Montreal Expos white and Montreal Canadian blood red jerseys, holding cans of Moleskin Canadian, Beaver Bitter, and Canada Club, walk behind grinning and giving Alanis bunny ears until a final single rude Montreal Expo blue middle finger with Elbows Up. A Fool’s Gold Trump “Make America Grate” Guitar loosely hangs on the wall below a photo of self-proclaimed Russian air guitar virtuoso conman Donald Trump endorsing it.
Alanis-(reading)–Ironic–A very nasty Canada Commie stupid word for funny. Just banned in great America! Next.
Alanis shakes her head, closes slim fool’s gold book and chucks it over her head hitting the Chinese gold Trump Guitar on the wall to opening out of tune acoustic guitar bars of “Ironic”.
Alanis–Excuse a moi Mister President, but that’s not Ironic at all. Please, let me explain,, it’s like,, a Chinese Boomer Rang, from a blood Red pay phone, collect from Tibet,, It’s like, a White House Nazi, hawking a Red China Tesla, to an Orange Yankee Moron, who can not drive,,
Trump “Make America Grate” Chinese Gibson fool’s gold guitar falls off the wall, knocking Alanis out. Skateboarding Avril Lavigne in an Ottawa Senator red jersey rushes in and steals Trump Guitar, followed by Chad Kroeger in a Calgary Flame white jersey, Bryan Adams in a Vancouver Canuck blue jersey, and Joni Mitchell in a Saskatchewan Roughrider green jersey chasing. Joni stops to drink the Black Coffee as “Old Black” Gibson Les Paul slinger Neil Young in Winnipeg Jet black jersey flies by on roller-skates, followed by Randy Bachman on roller-blades in Winnipeg Blue Bomber blue jersey carrying a blue Gibson Les Paul chased by a Sheepdog and the ghostly grey ghosts of Lenny Breau and Les Paul, and finally a Hollywood celebrity in a Mickey Mouse costume and carrying a Civil War Springfield Rifle. Alanis awakes Dazed and Confused.
Alanis–Please, wait friendly Canucks! I only ACT, a moronic Yank–eh hosers!
Doug McKenzie–(Voice Only)–Hey Hosehead, listen up eh.
Alanis–Like hey that’s no Ironic BS, eh Great White North comrades–in Elbows!
Geddy–(singing VO)–Puck OOOOOFFFFF,
Alanis rushes off after Canadians with Gordie Howe elbows up leaving Joni the the black Americano.
Bob and Doug McKenzie–(VO)–Cooo loo coo coo coo coo cooo!
Geddy–(VO)–To the Great White South!
Randy, Neil, Bryan, Avril–(VO)–Cooo loo coo coo coo coo cuckoo!
Hear a Springfield Rifle shot hit fleeing Chad in the ass as Joni picks up Americano labelled “Allanus”.
Chad–(VO)—Yeooooouch!
Joni–Ironically, no Moron, Trumps Yankee Doodle Donald’s, Bullish Canadian Tariff ACT, eh, man.
Bob and Doug McKenzie–(VO)–Cooo loo coo coo coo cuckoo!
Joni reveals wearing a Raspberry “CANADA STILL GREAT!” Beret and sculls Starbucks Americano as Michael Buble in a beat Canadian Tuxedo, Sarah McLachlan in a white Vancouver Canuck jersey, and Diana Krall in a red Vancouver Grizzlies jumper playing “Ironic” on a small acoustic Trump Gold Guitar, enter. Just before Michael speaks the screen goes to a grotesque AI picture or crude caricature of naked Donald Trump just out of cold shower with holey American Flag Torn Curtain next to a gold toilet, with picture above of Jesus on the cross hanging upside down right below disturbing Elon Musk and Vlad Putin nude velvet paintings revealing tiny naughty bits. The Don’s wild wet hair makes him look a fat old balding Florida orange hippy and shrinkage makes him resemble a heavy New Jersey eunuch Soprano with saggy boobs. His hair was perfect!
Michael–(Voice Only)–Hey don’t Cut yet, didn’t say, well-suited, Canadian tired line!
Diana–(VO)–Why am I playing a Nasty, little Trump guitar? Doesn’t he have a nasty, Tiny organ, to abuse?
Joni–(VO)–According to Stormy, Tiny, is stretching IT, to the PRO, Verbial Max.
Sarah–(VO)–Small wonder Melania, always appears, so Bitterly disappointed.
Hear running footsteps.
Elvis Costello—(VO out of breath)–Sorry I’m running late, had to Iron out, my tired, Canadian Tuxedo.
Michael–(VO)–Hey, that’s my line Elvis!
Elvis–(VO)–I don’t follow script, Bubble Boy Michaels, being a grumpy old punk.
Michael–(VO)–And you call yourself, a Real Good Canadian Elvis?
Elvis–(VO)–No, but my American Woman surely does, in bed. (laughs)
Hear “Ironic” stop and Elvis gets hit hard in the naughty bits with nasty Trump Guitar for calling Diana an American Woman and Shirley before the opening acoustic notes of Guess Who’s “American Woman” ring out. Donald’s orange lips and little hands start moving.
Donald—(George Costanza like)–I was in the pool! I was in the pool! I peed and pood in the ICE warm Pentagon pool. Thank you for your attention, to this very Impotent matter.
Donald grins and farts the opening bar of “The Star-Spangled Banner” in B–sharp.
Sarah–(Scottish voice only)–Pardon me, butt,, Donald, Where’s Your Troosers!?
Diana–(VO)–Loverboy Elon is wearing them, over Donald’s, Dirty Diaper.
Hear polite Canadian snickers.
Donald–So does that turn you On, Little baby Canada girl?
Sarah–(Irish VO)–Hell No! More turned Off, to knob minus Eleven–I just turned, Rosie Lesbian.
Donald–Come to Big Daddy Yankee, little baby Canuck girl–Let good old Uncle Sam, grab you by the Canada Dry, furry wet, Beaverrrrr.
Donald licks orange lips and wiggles yellow Stiff Little Fingers.
Sarah–(VO)–Yuck! You make me puke, you old Fat, yellow Yankee eunuch!
Hear Sarah puke peas and carrots poutine before it covers Donald’s tiny naughty bit.
Donald–I’m not F-F-F-Fat baby girl, no lie, I b-b-barely weigh 199 Pounds of prime golfer muscle, dripping wet–in holey gold Mexico Jesus Sandals, and beautiful Elon’s, Black Russian, MAGA cap.
Joni–(VO)–No doubt Porky Piggy means, 199 b-b-b-bone dry, KILOS–
Michael–(Porky Pig VO)–Of b-b-b-b-b-blubbering Lard!
Hear pig “oinks” as fat pig Donald suggestively sticks orange tongue out before “Star-Spangled” high note fart explodes into orange diarrhea plastering torn Stars and Stripes shower curtain, inverted Jesus picture, and Elon and Vlad’s shocking velvet paintings but missing gold toilet. The Don looks Alfred E. Neuman worried for 4.20 seconds.
Elvis–(high voice only)–Precision crap shooting, El Presidente.
Sarah–(VO)–The Orange Turd, even Tariff Flies, evil mongrel Allies!
Michael–(VO in Bm)–Hey, it’s Scat Man Don! Boobity bop boobity poo.
Joni–(VO)–Scat Man Don, Dung missed the loo.
Diana–(VO)–Boobity bop, boobity, ewwwwwe.
Donald—Oops, I dood it again.
Alanis–(VO Marilyn Monroe like)–Oh you’re soooo Ironic, Mista Pwesident.
Donald–I blame craphole Canuduh–and Sleepy Old Joe Biden, and Nasty Hillary and Evil Obama. God Bless Great America–but not commie Canaduh, and every other bad country–except beautiful Israel. I love Jews–my old best partner in crime Jeffrey was a Jew–though, as it turned out, not a Great one–like baby Jesus Christ–Great Republican Party saver–and a Hell of a (beep) Messiah! Oops, I mean, one, Heck of a (beep) Messiah–Doh!
Donald salutes upside down Jesus picture and grins just before a Phoenix Coyote Acme Puck fired by Wayne Gretzky’s Slap Shot misses lodges in his big fat mouth. Donald bites and swallows puck before burping and farting “Oh Can u ” with subtitles. The Don grins just before puck explodes making him look Monty Python’s “Mr Creasote” as a pound of orange Cheetos, six Big Macs, dozen red, blue, and yellow Superman Diet Pills, KFC Bucket, Russian Sour Kraut, Ukrainian Sausage, Mock Chicken Kiev, gallon of Diet Coke, three Taco Time Tacos, Alien, barking mad chihuahua “Ren”, and finally half a puck flies out of fat stomach with Acme Puck hitting camera which explodes to black screen.
Ren–(Mexican Voice Only)–Ay Caramba! I escaped Springfield!
Alien–(Bill Hicks like Devil VO)–That old Devil, has no stomach, for us illegal Aliens, eh Ren?
Ren–(VO)–Hey Alien, I ain’t illegal, I godda dead, Mexican Dog License!
Hear Canadians, Stimpy, Alien, and Bart Simpson laugh, a wily coyote howl, pig oinks, and Roadrunner “Beep Beep, Beep Beep” yelled by Jonathan Richman on Acme Laughing Gas. Cool Martin guitar plays opening bars of Joni Mitchell’s “Coyote”.
Peter Coyote–(Voice only)–Roadrunner roadrunner!
Jonathon–-(VO)–Beep beep!
Shot goes back to North Hollywood Starbucks with Peter Coyote in a Phoenix Coyote blue jersey, Jonathan Richman in a Phoenix Roadrunner white jersey, and Diana Krall–or Elvis Costello in a red Vancouver Grizzlies jumper playing “Coyote” on Joni Mitchell’s long lost 1956 Martin D-28 guitar—stolen from Maui airport over fifty years ago and still missing in action. The guitar holds quite the history from being hit with shrapnel in Vietnam which tragically killed its original American owner to playing on Joni’s first five albums and then who knows. How cool to find it again for Joni?
Joni-(in tune with guitar.)–No regrets Coyote,
Peter–Regrets? I’ve had a few.
Paul Anka (or Paul McCartney, Paul Young, Paul Weller, Paul Williams, Paul Hogan) enters limping dressed in puffy pirate clothes and Pittsburgh Pirate cap with Norwegian Blue Parrot “Brian” (66–Bird of a thousand voices) perched on shoulder finishing off a cheesy ham roll and and drinking a miniature bottle of Blue Trump Whine with other claw. Puffy pirate on the bottle resembles young Donald Trump being part of the BUCKANEAR TRUMP SPIRIT line of nasty grog produced in Mexico by Tijuana Taxi drivers and sweaty Chile ICE prisoners.
Paul–Ahoy Coyote, quit pirating my deep and meaningful, Wily lines!
Peter–Well, to be Frank, Puffy Pirate Paul,, That’s Life.
Jonathan–Beep Beep!
Hear a jazzy bass and Paul McCartney, Paul Simon, Paul James, Paul Rodgers, Paul Stanley, or John Paul Jones enter playing Jaco Pastorius bass and Joni smiles big seeing her long lost Martin D-28 guitar as others groove to “Coyote” with Elvis banging nasty Trump Guitar for a beat drum.
Brian-(takes swig)–Argh, bloody Hell, why do I always score, the garbage, cheesy Ham rolls?
Paul–Cause Brian, you Act, like a dirty disgusting, Pig.
Brian–(laughing)–Oink oink oink oink! Only on the (beep) piss! Oink oink oink!
Paul–Brian’s no Blue Messiah, he’s just a very naughty, fowl mouthed, Dirty Pig.
Brian–And you’re under (Beep) arrest, for that (Beep), Thin Blue Line!
Paul–Brian! Didn’t I warn you, about excessive Foul language?
Brian–Yar matey, Mother (Beep Beep) Sucker (beep)!
Paul–Briaaaaan!
Everyone laughs while grooving to “Coyote” as Jimmy Kimmell in Mickey Mouse costume enters holding Civil War Springfield Rifle and broken fools gold Trump “Make America Grate” Chinese Gibson Guitar. Brian sculls Blue Trump Whine.
Jimmy–You nasty Canadians should be shot, for taking the mickey out of the Greatest ever President, of the Land of the Free. I’m calling ICE.
Alanis—(Tony Basil’s “Mickey”.)–Hey Mickey, you dirty little Disney Rat!
Sarah–No wonder Minnie dumped the dirty rat, for Goofy Dumbo, Donald.
Brian–(Donald Duck voice looking at Mickey’s flat groin)–It’s cause Mickey Mouse, has no (beep) Balls! Quack quack quack quack.
Everyone looks at flat groin and laughs except Jimmy as Brian burps, chunders garbage cheesy ham roll, and chucks Blue Trump Whine bottle at camera and the screen turns black. Could list credits if any fool wants one. Bad actor F.N. Idiot scored worst role and crappiest line so wisely refused credit.
Brian—(voice only)–(Beep) Trump that, Bird’s Eye, Camera Shot! Bowled, for a (Beep) Duck! Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack.
Hear Canadian cheers, mad Mexican dog barks, coyote howl, Satan roar, and Roadrunner “Beep Beep”.
Jimmy—(Voice only)–ICE, Ice, Ice Baby!
Hear running footsteps.
Vanilla Ice–(F.N. Idiot’s bad American voice only)–Yo.
Hear Vanilla Ice shot in the naughty bits with Garry Cooper’s Springfield Rifle and then a thud.
Alien—(Bill Hicks like Satan voice only)–Mickey, now send in the Trump Three Stooges, Kid Rock, Marky Mark, and Carrot Top.
Hear Bill Hicks like Satan roar.
Jimmy lost jobs as Disneyland Ambassador and Vanilla Ice manager. Vanilla now sings Falsetto Soprano in the Miami ICE Barbershop Quartet, The Village People, and The Beach Boys for Donald Trump Junior’s Travelling Salvation Show sounding like Frankie Valli in tighty whities two sizes too small. (Cue- Crowded House’s “Four Seasons in One Day”. rip Paul Hester.)
F.N. Idiot penciled in for the late great Alien comedian Bill Hicks Satan roars unless a beat comic or Death Metal singer free. Imagine, if you will, Bill Hicks take on Burger King crowned Donald Trump in Hell giving head to Satan on Black Friday to the sounds of Steely Dan’s “Daddy Don’t Live In That New York City No More”, Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire”, or AC/DC’s “Highway To Hell”. (FX–Bill Hicks Satan roar.)
Satan–Well hellloooo Donnie, back again are we?
Donald–Yes Lord of Darkness, my Fox polls are tanking, and Hellhole Canada, still refuse to join the great Land of the Free.
Satan–Only one way, to make Fox and Canada Great Again Donnie.
Donald–So Pray tell Master?
Satan–Donnie baby,, Suck my Foxy monster Florida Orange Coooock!
Satan roars and flops out 666 millimetre orange floppy dick.
Donald–Oh my good God Lord.
Satan–And this time Dirty Donnie,, no spitting, Pretty Boy!
Donald–Your bitter wish, is my cummand, My Sweet Lord. To Hell with Craphole Canada, and Praise Be, beautiful Fox News.
Satan roars as shoves Orange Monster down Donald’s throat to the opening notes of George Harrison’s “My Sweet Lord”, R.E.M.’s “Orange Crush”, or INXS’ “Devil Inside”.
Satan–Donnie darling, I think this is the beginning, of a beautiful friendship.
Satan roars and gets a boner lifting Burger King Donald in the air as jailbird butler Jeffrey Epstein enters holding a tray with a bottle of Horny Devil Juice, Diddy Baby Oil, Devil’s food cake, and Devil ashtray with a Bob Marley of Devil’s Lettuce.
Shot of contented Satan eating Devil’s food cake and smoking Bob Marley as Jeffrey furiously rogers Diddy Baby Oiled grunting piggy Donald on all fours to the sounds of the Rolling Stones’ “Sympathy for the Devil”, Andy Stewart’s “Donald Where’s Your Troosers”, or “Duelling Banjos” from ‘Deliverance’.
Satan–Jeffie baby, be a Frosty night in Hell, if Dirty Donnie ever releases, Your, X Files!
Hear a few bars of ‘The X-Files’ theme as Satan roars and Jeffrey grins like Alfred E. Nueman while Donald grunts like a fat pig on Blue Meanies. Camera pans to show on Hell’s blood red wall are naked velvet paintings of Vlad Putin, Kim Jong Un, Xi Jinping, Donald Trump, and Elon Musk hanging between 1995 New Jersey Devils hockey jersey and 2021 Melbourne Demons jumper both numbered 666.
Satan–Adolf dearie, bring in Steely Dan, to drill the oily Yankee Ass, for some stinky crude, Craphole Canadian, Natural Gas Gas Gas!
Satan roars and Jeffrey quickly exits as Adolf Hitler leads in on chain Pulp Fiction’s “The Gimp” adorned with a steamy Steely Dan strap-on dildo to the opening sounds of Steely Dan’s “Daddy Don’t Live In That New York City No More”, “Dirty Work”, or “Black Friday”. The Gimp grunts approval seeing Trump’s oily fat ass farting the opening bars of “Oh Canada” in b flat as stoned Satan picks up Paganini’s fiddle to jam with Steely Dan. –
Satan–In previous life Donnie Darko, I played second fiddle, in The Charlie Daniels Band.
Donald—(Voice only)–Cool, but, did you have, a Georgia, State of Mind?
Satan–No Donnie, more, a New York State of Mind, I was addicted, to Granny Smith Apples, and Not sleeping.
Devil roars and camera pans to see smiling Donald Fagen and (or) Jake Gyllenhaal playing keyboard as steamy Steely Dan enters squealing oily pig Donald Trump to Satan fiddling a few bars of “Daddy Don’t Live In That New York City No More”, “The Devil Went Down to Georgia”, “New York State of Mind”, or “Georgia On My Mind”. Hitler wearing a black MAGA cap salutes Satan for the Hell of it as The Gimp takes off black mask to reveal a smiling Elon Musk rat fink.
The band Steely Dan were named after oversized steam-powered strap-on dildo “Steely Dan lll from Yokohama” in the William S. Burroughs novel ‘Naked Lunch’.
YouTube “Bill Hicks Drugs and Music” for the hilarious Vanilla Ice sucking Satan routine. “Vanilla, send in MC Hammer”. Tragically, Bill Hicks died in 1994 from cancer at only 32. Bill Hick’s last written words–”I left in love, in laughter, and in truth and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.”
Bill Hicks would loath devilish Trump but chuckle about Carrot Top having a twenty year Lost Vegas residency, Marky Mark is now a bad acting Hollywood movie star, and no talent Vanilla Ice opens for MC Hammer and Gallagher’s brother at Florida bingo halls, bowling alleys, and Eric Trump’s Snowbird Salvation Rally. (Cue- Anne Murray’s “Snowbird”.)
Canadian musicians and Brian may return for a cool version of “Both Sides, Now”, “Southern Man”, “Lookin’ Out For #1”, “You Oughta Know”, “Snowbird”, “Hallelujah”, etc etc. Free and Bad Company singer Paul Rodgers lives local and played bass in first band The Roadrunners. Beep beep! Wikipedia is evil.
Paul and Brian are touring Canary Island doing blue “Pete and Dud” comic routines in between Paul playing Dudley Moore like jazz piano for Brian to croon old rock standards and Looney Tunes with Merry Melodies. Semi serious talks are ongoing for silly BBC sitcom ‘Brian Behaving Badly’. Both dig smoking jazz cigarettes of UK Cheese before stoned banter and jazz break out where Brian sings and talks jive like Louis Armstrong and plays a mean Tiny Trump Trumpet for wild versions of “Heebie Jeebies”, “Jeepers Creepers”, and “Muggles”. Just booked for Norway Got Talent performing a loony Beatles medley of “Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown)”, “And Your Bird Can Sing”, and “Norway Nowhere Bird”. Possible Brian’s voice are Brian Ferry, Brian Eno, Brian May, Brian Johnson, Brian Cox, Brian Griffin, Brian Mannix, Brian Nankervis, Brian Edwards, Brian Tamaki, Brian Williams, Bryan Adams, or a jolly old Python. (dream on idiot)
Donald’s naked caricature is Robert Crumb obscene if any Kiwi or Canuck rude cartoonists are lurking. “Make America Grate” T-shirt might sell pretty well in Canada, Mexico, NZ, UK, Australia, Ukraine, Europe, Japan, Greenland, but banned in China, Russia, and America. Who the Hell knew in two long months of musky Trump rule that good old America would lose every international ally to hook up with evil commie Russian dictator? Urgent Batcave call for Superman and Captain America to help save the USA and the world as we knew it. Be cool to “South Park Spitting Image” animate sketch but eons beyond idiot’s rank crayon ability.
In off chance any Canadian musicians are reading, (ya right) the Sarah McLachlan role is tad risqué so could be replaced in Vancouver Canuck jersey by Carly Rae Jepson, Bif Naked, Nelly Furtado, Tate McRea, k.d. lang, or Vancouver Mountie temptress Nell Fenwick.
Must cancel ironic music used as scoring rights involve too many rich lawyers but could use “Scat Man Don” since idiot wrote first 12 bars on old Martin D-18 stoned immaculate on Trump Original Gangster.
Only a true Kiwi idiot would compose surreal Canadian guitar zen gags. Guess Who’s Randy Bachman took guitar lessons in Winnipeg from Lenny Breau, who, according to Neil Young was the greatest guitar player but his life tragically cut short in Los Angeles at just 43. Highly recommend the fantastic 1999 documentary ‘The Genius of Lenny Breau’, co-directed by Lenny’s daughter Emily Hughes on YouTube.
Between dashing off sketch in third final draft of indie comedy movie script which F.N. Idiot is stupid enough to go bust and produce for a target audience of beat musicians, cannabis enthusiasts, Beatles fans, mad dogs, and illegal aliens.
the beat dreams on–Alien surfer Ziggy delivers a mysterious unmarked package to a Blue Meanies tripping beat musician which contains one mind-blowing Dream Time Machine–destined to revolutionize Earth’s home entertainment industry on behalf of the almighty Magrathea Broadcasting Corporation. Crazy cosmic hilarity ensues.
During the mind-bending pandemic, experienced 420 Dream Time Machine trips and can’t recommend them highly enough. Later may be after investors for beat Kiwi or Canuck production company “Weka”, which possesses a Dream Time Machine, big beat TV Bible, and ALT TV–Alien Launched Terrestrial Television–which features 42 crazy animated shows including blue parrot sitcom ‘Brian Behaving Badly’, dirty Devil comedy ‘Satan’s Workshop’, and sketchy ‘The Yesterday Show’, where silly “Canada vs Trump” sketch just aired and killed in Trumania, Titan, and Thrae. Idiot is expanding cheap TV pilot into 99 minute low budget comedy movie and will post The First Third of beat script Someday Soon.
If called for (Ha!) next wicked North Hollywood Starbucks sketch may involve funny American Canadians Martin Short, Jim Carey, Mike Myers, Dan Aykroyd, Seth Rogen, Nathan Fielder, Ryan Reynolds, Eugene Levy, Catherine O’Hara, Samantha Bee, Caroline Rhea, and Tommy Chong eh man. Boy, sure miss Norm MacDonald, John Candy, Phil Hartman, and Leslie Nielsen. Canada sure produces fair share of funny American entertainers, eh?
Actually, could easy set Starbucks in NZ, OZ, or the UK if any silly musicians keen to make an animated fool of themselves. (FX- Three Black Cap Cricket chirps.)
Gibson Guitars issued a nasty Cease and Desist Letter to shady Trump Guitars for ripping off the famous Les Paul design where ironically the only guitar conman Donald Trump ever played was an unplugged Russian Air to The Beatles’ “Baby, You’re a Rich Man” and “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer” at Jeffrey Epstein hosted Prince Andrew’s Princess Bride Tea & Crumpet Party held on British Mother’s Day in New York Trump Tower’s Ghislaine’s Good Girls Suite. The Queen, Princess Fergie, and Big Daddy Maxwell were not happy clappers.
F.N. Idiot aka Frank Paradise, April 1st, 2025.
the beat dreams on 